COVID-19 And You: Pocket Guide to Avoid It (Or Go Down Like A Champ)
So quarantine sucks.
Yes, yes, it helps curb that all-too-fatal overpopulation in hospitals and clinics, what with the whole “The government didn’t remotely prepare for this and doctors don’t get paid that Football Player salary either”, BUT…doesn’t mean we have to be boring about it does it? We’re gonna be stuck in this mess for a while. So let’s be smart -and fun!- about it.
Oh come on, if our sense of humor dies as well then we’re REALLY in trouble.
1. Bring Back That Plague Look!
“Be honest, does this make me look fat?”
Getting a hold of medical masks is a huge pain now, with prices soaring everywhere and stock all but non-existent. However here is a low budget and dare I say fabulous alternative for your adventures in the Corona-ridden streets: The Plague Doctor suit! Worn by the physicians of the Black Plague era in Europe, these leatherbound goth wonders will ensure not a single part of your skin is in contact with the outside world AND guarantee with absolute certainty no person messes with you on the cashier line. You’ve got no visible facial features and a “harbinger of death” beak popping out of your skull in leather, the last thing anyone wants to do is tell you not to skip the line at the supermarket. Retro and functional!
2. Don’t Buy Toilet Paper, Buy A Zweihander!
The smile of a man who knows he can beat you in a swordfight.
Let’s say you buy enough Toilet Paper to last you a whole month. Let’s say you also buy food, drinks and snacks to last you that entire month as well. But then, in the comfortable warmth of your well-stocked home, a man armed to the teeth comes for your food and Toilet Paper. Congratulations, you just spent all that effort for someone else to take the fruits of your hard labor.
Don’t let it happen! When resources are scarce you must protect what is yours with pride and honor and what better way to do it than the daddy of all medieval swords, the two-handed Zweihander! Intimidate any possible raider by the sheer imposing presence of a sword that towers over him! Deter any attempts to lay claim on your territory by challenging your neighbor to a duel!
Now, you may be asking: “If I spend all that money on a giant sword, how am I supposed to buy food?”
Easy: Break into the supermarket with your trusty Zweihander and pillage your way into a dinner of kings. Unless they have guns of course, then we’re in trouble. But who brings a gun to a swordfight? A nerd, that’s who. You’re cooler than that.
3. Bring Back Feudalism (Inside Your Apartment)!
Hail to King, baby.
So it’s been a month of quarantine and things have gotten…boring. Maybe the family’s a bit cranky, maybe the spouse is in a bad mood, or maybe everyone is generally in a very stagnant state. It can happen, lack of goals and direction can do that to anybody. So in this time of need, you must take up the heavy burden of the crown and become the regent of your apartment. Or house. Or your room, maybe. The important part here is the title.
So what does this mean? Now you can shake things up a bit and start a bustling economy based on bottlecaps if you so desire. Neighbors too loud? Declare a crusade against them and let the dog into their garden during the curfew hours so they can’t do anything about it until next day. Show them who’s boss! Is food scarce? Use your royal authority to claim any snacks from the refrigerator to yourself and have everyone else plant some vegetables in the garden. Agriculture is important after all.
This should solve most problems until people around you get annoyed enough that they stage a revolution and then you can at least say you were King for a while. It’s all about positive thinking.
Most importantly, remember that while the quarantine is temporary, your choices matter more. So even as a Plague Doctor with a giant sword who’s claimed the throne for himself, you must remember that the point of being safe in a pandemic, is to make sure you can return to a normal and full life after it. Keep yourself safe, keep your family safe, and keep thinking of reasons to smile and learn new things!